What is this?

What is this really?... I never expected this much of a hellfire. After the whole relationship debacle once again in September. My life took a turn for the awesome.
I was making friends, meeting people, having fun, and my life was going well.
Now in like one night, a shit ton happened, and a shit ton fucked up. I mean its not that I can't fix it. I always do.
But its hard to keep doing it when I'm so tired of doing it. Strength. You're so strong. You're so resilient. blah blah blah. Like I'm glad that is what I seem like to my friends, but honestly... whats the point when I'm so exhausted of fixing shit that fucks up, not because of me, but because of what happens.
I just want to be able to work hard and get what I want, not have shit fuck up hard.
And have that shit fuck up in a short period of time.
I'd love that.
Honestly, how despicable are human beings? We act like we care, but few of us really do. I honestly at this point like my cat better than I like almost everybody. We act so selfishly, then we turn around and pretend that we care about other people. In all actuality, that too is an act, because we are just essentially doing it to benefit ourselves. What happened to doing it just to help others? or perhaps doing it for yourself and another? What happened to kindness?
I've had way too many people fuck me over at this point. I'm almost tired of being kind. I just want to shut myself away, or run away and begin a nice new life somewhere else where they'll care.
When I love (friends or lovers), I love loyally and completely. But everyone just doesn't seem to get that. So few people have returned said loyalty. So few people are really so true. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of other people.
Maybe that's just me.

Lizzeh

I feel as though....

I should begin this with DEAR DIARY... but I'm not.
Life's made another change again. The person I was with for the last few months... I can't be with. I won't be with. He won't love me.
I know it was right for us to break up. He knows too... but I wish there was something more I could have done.
But if you do everything you could have.... what more could you have done?
I feel like I gave up, but I know I never did. I feel like I abandoned him.... but I didn't. It just feels confusing. But I have every right to go after my happiness right?
It was just emotionally traumatic I suppose. I just felt alone most of the time. Just like I do right now. I didn't want that. I was expecting more, and he was expecting more from himself. And I guess that was just not how the cookie was going to crumble.
I guess I'll just continue with what I usually do and let myself follow what my heart says. Because I'm happy with the decisions I made. I'm happy with who I am. and I've got to continue down the road I take.

Lizzeh

A sorry sense of doom

I don't exactly understand how I feel. I guess its a nice hearty feeling of doom and dismay.
I'm just so lonely. Its angering and saddening at the same time.
Its maddening most of all.
ugh.

Life Love

I guess today I just felt like writing something. Way too many things going on in my mind.
Its weird to see how much my life has changed since the beginning of my growing up so to speak.
To see how much I've changed, and how much I haven't.
Life has become a bit different for me. Sure there are a shit ton of hard times, but there are good times. I've been going through a really bad time myself the past few weeks.
It just constantly feels like I'm drowning in my problems, as they begin to pile up around me.
I mean its not hard to work through them if you look at each separately. But if you look at them altogether it just looks like a mountain of horrible work you just never want to get started.
But really isn't that what life is about? Struggling, having moments of triumph, having moments of sadness. Just life. If you can't see the beauty around you, why can't you open your eyes?
There is plenty I'm thankful for, plenty I'm happy about. Sure there will be bound to be things that make me sad, or frustrated. Things a person should never see or experience. I mean at the end of the day, I think of myself as a good person... but I would never wish my life onto someone else.
I'm my own worst enemy, bred to be so for most of my life. But the only person that has to deal with inner me, is me and whoever I let in... but mostly me. If you really look around you... like really look. as much as things seem hard, or difficult... the world seems horrible and the people in it worthless... there are those who work to make things lovely again... those who strive to make others smile or better. Those who just make the world better. Balance I guess.
But if you focus so much on the negative then how does that make you any better than the people who are negative.
I'm not saying I'm not negative myself... I'm not saying I don't have my moments... but I'm trying. I'm struggling. Its hard. I have my moments of triumph and defeat....
But I'm trying.
I want my happiness. Something thats changed mightily over the past few years. I'm not working to only help others. I'm working to help myself... to achieve what I want. Thats not to say I'm not helping others at all anymore, old habit die hard. I'm not selfish, I want to help those I can. I want to make others happy. But I'm putting a limit for myself. I'm getting off the ride before it becomes a death trap.
I've got plans for the future. Following my dreams. Getting married eventually. Having kids eventually.
Yes I want kids in this effed up beautiful world.
As much horridness there is in the world, there is also good and beauty. Everybody seems to forget that... even me.
But if you really look, there are trees and forests and good people. and a shit ton of other stuff. I guess I just want to not just love someone as a friend or partner... or even family.... I just want to love someone deeply. I want to experience having a child, and let them be a good person by surrounding them by good people. Give the kids love, support, and a good family.... something I never had...
whether I bear the kid or I adopt them. I want to add to the good of the world and add to the good of the people around.
Maybe I'm just weird.
ANyways thats it for now.. I may write again soon.

Love Lizzeh

Why hello life... clearly you are punking me.

I was duped again. I was duped into believing the lies of someone else. I let them get close to me, they couldn't handle it (I warned him/her like I always do), and they bolted.
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?
Now I'm getting accused of shit that I'm not. Buddy, its what being in a proper long term relationship is about. You tell each other shit. You talk. You discuss. Guess you are too boring for that. You wanted me to be in it for the long term, but you were the one who couldn't take it. But hey what the fuck do I know about relationships? But I've gotta ask... who the fuck made you relationship expert? Who the fuck made you understand relationships better than I do. Nobody. All I know is what I want in the long term. If you can't fulfill it, not my problem.
(Sorry but its my rage talking, and she isn't very nice.)
But seriously, you convinced me. You got me to do this, and YOU bail. You gave me some reasons, telling me its not my fault. Then you tell a number of people that it is. Don't fucking lie to me, I hate liars and you know that. You didn't even tell me the real reason yourself so how very fucking cowardly of you.
You say you want to be friends but you never fucking talk to me. Hey this is all on you, not me. So fuck you. Fuck you for even trying to make me feel like its my fucking fault. Its not. Get over yourself. Its yours. You couldn't be what I wanted. I couldn't be what you wanted. I should have realized this in the beginning. You're too young and immature if you want all honesty. I'd been considering dumping you near the beginning of our relationship. But I wanted to have faith. I wanted to think you could. Haha what a fucking disappointment. Its probably both of our faults, but doing what you did... it makes it your fault. Not extending me a fair shake... makes it your fault. When you want a person to change, you tell them what you have a problem with, and wait a while for them to change... You did things so out of order so fuck you.
Don't you dare fucking say you loved me, because that is such a fucking lie. Go find some small town dumbass bitch to love. You don't deserve me, never will.
As Marilyn Monroe said "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
You don't deserve me. At all.

Lizzeh

A lot has changed...

A lot has changed since I last wrote on here. Life has been busy I guess. My relationship with Brandon ended, but we ended on fairly good terms. We're friends still, and we're still speaking. I also had a little fling with a boy that made my heart jump out of my chest. That ended horribly. I was stupid.
There also has been a lot of drama between my high school friends and I.... I'm not exactly sure of how I feel about that stuff... but what the hell can I do? Majority of everybody is so petty and ridiculous now. What happened to letting everything slide off? I'm sure I took a lot of joking abuse from everybody, but I guess that wasn't enough to keep things going. I miss how everything used to be. I mean sure the psychiatrist helped me out a lot, but it also made me see clearer. Made me see the things I just wanted to ignore. I find everything just so shameful.
Currently, I just feel drained. I feel myself going back into my old relationship habits. I realize this is a bad thing, but I'm goddamn trying. Currently, I'm having such a bad-ass mood swing, and I don't know what to do. I'm too scared to goddamn call anyone, especially after the verbal punches my dad let fly at me the other day. I'm not sure if I'm worth anything and thats the most horrible part of my realization. I want to rip apart my chest and see if there is anything deeper. I'm scared of drowning in my own despair. A fairy-tale world of horror of my own making.
Im so fucking scared.

Niagara

Today I went to Niagara falls with my mom and my aunties.
First we went shopping at a factory outlet. I got some clothes, and my aunties and my mom got some coach bags.
Then we went out to eat at some restaurant. I believe I got food poisoning there.
After I had gone to the washroom at the restaurant, we went to a casino. There my mother and one of my aunts started to gamble, while the other aunt and I ventured out to find medicine for my stomach. We found a place to buy the medicine, we also found a t-shirt for my aunt's nephew, and a candy store where we bought some candy. Afterward, my aunt and I went back to the casino where she also started to gamble.
After they were all done, we headed back to Toronto to buy food and drop off one of my aunts. It took a little over an hour and a half or so. Then we headed back home.

What an interesting day...

Lizzeh