Life Love

I guess today I just felt like writing something. Way too many things going on in my mind.
Its weird to see how much my life has changed since the beginning of my growing up so to speak.
To see how much I've changed, and how much I haven't.
Life has become a bit different for me. Sure there are a shit ton of hard times, but there are good times. I've been going through a really bad time myself the past few weeks.
It just constantly feels like I'm drowning in my problems, as they begin to pile up around me.
I mean its not hard to work through them if you look at each separately. But if you look at them altogether it just looks like a mountain of horrible work you just never want to get started.
But really isn't that what life is about? Struggling, having moments of triumph, having moments of sadness. Just life. If you can't see the beauty around you, why can't you open your eyes?
There is plenty I'm thankful for, plenty I'm happy about. Sure there will be bound to be things that make me sad, or frustrated. Things a person should never see or experience. I mean at the end of the day, I think of myself as a good person... but I would never wish my life onto someone else.
I'm my own worst enemy, bred to be so for most of my life. But the only person that has to deal with inner me, is me and whoever I let in... but mostly me. If you really look around you... like really look. as much as things seem hard, or difficult... the world seems horrible and the people in it worthless... there are those who work to make things lovely again... those who strive to make others smile or better. Those who just make the world better. Balance I guess.
But if you focus so much on the negative then how does that make you any better than the people who are negative.
I'm not saying I'm not negative myself... I'm not saying I don't have my moments... but I'm trying. I'm struggling. Its hard. I have my moments of triumph and defeat....
But I'm trying.
I want my happiness. Something thats changed mightily over the past few years. I'm not working to only help others. I'm working to help myself... to achieve what I want. Thats not to say I'm not helping others at all anymore, old habit die hard. I'm not selfish, I want to help those I can. I want to make others happy. But I'm putting a limit for myself. I'm getting off the ride before it becomes a death trap.
I've got plans for the future. Following my dreams. Getting married eventually. Having kids eventually.
Yes I want kids in this effed up beautiful world.
As much horridness there is in the world, there is also good and beauty. Everybody seems to forget that... even me.
But if you really look, there are trees and forests and good people. and a shit ton of other stuff. I guess I just want to not just love someone as a friend or partner... or even family.... I just want to love someone deeply. I want to experience having a child, and let them be a good person by surrounding them by good people. Give the kids love, support, and a good family.... something I never had...
whether I bear the kid or I adopt them. I want to add to the good of the world and add to the good of the people around.
Maybe I'm just weird.
ANyways thats it for now.. I may write again soon.

Love Lizzeh